Random Life Post

So, I am the type of person that random thoughts pop in my head. Lots of times they are funny thoughts, some worthy of a script for SNL. I am huge SNL fan. Well, some of the stuff is not funny but some is and just thinking of it makes me laugh. I have been on spring break this week and I have had many of these moments of laughter. It is weird to everyone around me, though; they stare at me while I laugh and smile. I like to watch people and think and I have had plenty of time to do that here.

Today I was caught off guard while we were shopping when a big, not funny thought popped in my head. It is a thought that I've had several times over the past few months and it isn't very friendly. I see all of these people buying all of this (overpriced) stuff and instead of taking pride in the consumerism that is taking place, it makes me sick. We work so hard to get stuff that will break, or get holes in, and then we keep working to buy more stuff to replace the stuff that has broken. It's like a circle of almost reaching this happiness that is silently guaranteed once we amass all of this stuff. Yet, no one tells you that once you get that certain amount of stuff, new stuff is required to reach the unreachable happiness. Lately God has been grabbing hold of my heart and not letting go until I respond. This seems good, until I was in the middle of Tanger outlet mall with friends who were buying stuff and I have a passion rising inside of me to do something. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to live a worthless life filled with stuff that will never satisfy the yearning I have in the deepest parts of me to do something more but I don't want to become a renegade renouncing everything I have been taught. I do want to get a good job to provide for myself but how much do I need? There are other people who I live life with who have unmet needs. Do I sit back and become a selfish person, saving money to buy the next big thing, to buy only the best. Or do I make sacrifices for the people I live life with?

The life I want to live is one of love. I don't just want to love people emotionally but physically. Isaiah 58 has become the cry of my heart lately. It says

"They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near me. 'We have fasted before you!' they say, 'Why aren't you impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and you don't even notice it!' 'I will tell you why!' I respond. 'It's because you are fasting to please yourselves.'...This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is that what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? No, this is the fasting that I want: Free those that are falsely imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless, Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help"

I am seeking to live a life with gravity, one that will please God. I have a feeling the life I have pictured with a white picket fence, spending every penny I have on myself is not a life that will please God. My father wants me to love people, to stop seeking Him to make myself feel good.

This thought that I have been struggling with makes me feel very alone sometimes but I know that God is working in other people's lives too. I know that even if I am alone, I will still turn to the Lord for strength, even though it is hard not to depend on other people.

So, Thank you Lord for interrupting my Spring Break.

Conglomeration of recent emotions

Sometimes I hate Facebook. One example is this past Saturday when I learned about a friend's passing via it. We weren't particularly close but God used him in huge ways without his knowledge. At the beginning of this semester God brought me to a breaking point. I read a blog about a girl my age who is a foster mom to thirteen children in Uganda. My reaction to this was like no other reaction I have ever had. In the past, I have not been a very emotional person, I would cry in movies and such but I had the strength to hold it back reading a blog for goodness sakes. But at that moment my strength melted away and God took hold of me. I had never been brought to my knees and broken because of my pride, fear, lack of knowledge of the Word and many other things God showed me in the following days. That was on a Tuesday, before Haven. That Saturday I met Okello at a very rainy football game. I offered him my umbrella because he was soaked from the rain that was dripping down from his bare head. He was so grateful (and I was thinking "dude, it's just an umbrella, a pink one at that"). Okello was from Uganda. When he told me that, my mouth dropped open, Uganda came to me! Oh the joy I felt at that moment!

Everytime I saw him after that night he came up to me, greeting me with my name and we had a good conversation (not just a "hey how are you" conversation). Looking back, I had so many opportunities to share the greatness of God with him through those conversations. He wanted to come to "my events" that I told him about because he said I was nice. The last conversation we had over Facebook chat he asked me why I was so nice to everyone. I told him I had no reason to be mean and I couldn't contain the life and love I had inside of me. Ahh, I keep asking myself why I couldn't have been more clear. Why in the world did I think that was enough?! He promised me he would come to Haven the first of the semester before he got too busy with Pharmacy School. He had a car accident on the way to visit family in Atlanta and never made it to the hospital.

I hate the fear and pride that linger within me. I hate even more that this lesson I am learning came at the expense of Okello. I know God's plan is perfect, and that I cannot begin to understand it but my heart breaks for the loss of my friend. I pray that someone picked up the slack I left and Okello came to know the love and grace I know. I trust that I am a work in progress and that God is patient and forgiving. I will not be like this forever, I will learn from my mistakes and fall into the arms of a loving God.

To share some funny moments God blessed me with today I have a short story:
I had a doctor appointment at 10 30 today. I get in my car and my windshield is frozen, so is the water for my wipers, and the water bottle I try to pour on my windshield. Then, I got stopped by a trian on Bert Kouns (one of the busiest roads in Shreveport). I am thankful that I serve a God who likes to laugh with me!

A Change of Heart

Over the last year and a half God has been changing my heart like no other time in my life. The catalyst was a call to obedience in one area of my life. Obeying God in that one, rather difficult area, began a slow change of my heart. I realized my heart changed this summer when I began to respond differently to situations. My life began to no longer be about me, but about my Savior (although I am still selfish). I guess fully submitting to God's will and purpose for your life takes time, lets say about 11 years. It took some time for what I knew (my purpose is to declare the Word of the Lord as truth) to reach my heart and reign in every area of my life.

So, as the Christmas season is all around me, I have been thinking a lot. As is tradition with my friends and family, we drive around and look at lights. Everything is so beautiful this time of year and I think about the dreams I had when I was a kid. I always wanted a beautiful white plantation house with a red door and lots of pecan trees on the property. But as I drive to look at lights, I find that is not where my heart is anymore. It's weird that the American dream is not alluring to me. My mind is screaming at my heart "what's going on?! This is what you've always wanted, a good education, a good husband, a good job, a house full of kids, the perfectly decorated house with all the right toys!!!" Those thoughts break my heart. It's not what I want anymore. I want what God wants, the end, that's it. I'm not sure what that will be in my life but I don't think it is the typical American dream.

My parents keep asking me about my future and it's hard for me to explain to them that my future is not planned. I may or may not live here, I may or may not marry (although I more than anything would like someone to walk through life with as a partner in ministry), I may or may not live in a big house with everything money can buy. I don't think that is what they want for me. I think all they want is for me to be happy and safe. But happiness and safety are not guaranteed for my life either. As for now, I cannot imagine not following the will of God in my life. I don't think anything else will satisfy me fully.

A great day!

Friday, December 4, 2009 was a close to a perfect day. Not only was it the last day of classes until January, IT SNOWED!!! Although it was not an abundance of snow, it was enough to put my apartment in a frenzy and drive us all outside to frolic. We were like children, it was so much fun. Above is our "family"Christmas picture, featuring cold weather in December and SNOW!!!

Along with snow, I got to enjoy Twilight for the first time. I am still not sure what I think of it (the was it was produced is a little odd) but I had fun watching it with my friends. I also got to enjoy a hot cup of apple cider, yumm.

One of the best parts was being able to finish The Atonement Child, a fantastic Francine Rivers book. I am not much of a reader for pleasure but I really enjoy Francine Rivers' writing. I also enjoy cuddling up with a book on a cold day, ahhh so perfect!

Now, back to the joys of finals week!

Thankfulness

As the week of Thanksgiving draws to a close, I stand in awe of my God. I wouldn't call myself an unthankful person but I have been more thankful than usual lately. I have amazing friends and family, an amazing job and an amazing pupose for my life and I recognize those things often. However, I lost my Papaw almost two weeks ago and I am more emotional than I thought I would be about it. My Papaw was a good person, he set an example of Godliness for all of his children and my dad has continued to set that example for me and my sister. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful for the life my Papaw lead and for the legacy he left for my family.

It's funny how thankfulness expresses itself in our lives. For me, it has been shocking. I don't think I cry alot, or regularly. I am a movie crier, and if someone is around me crying, you can expect to see tears on my face. However, I do not just sit and cry. I usually try to mentally avoid those situations, distract myself from thinking about things that make me cry. Recently, however, I have sat and cried. I sat in awe of my God; in tears at His feet. I have never before been more thankful for the cross than I was at my Papaw's funeral. I am thankful that my Papaw's suffering ended and he immediately tasted the promise of the cross. Isn't that glorious?! Suffering happens, and we brush it off and learn from it. We dry up our tears, get some Shout for the stains on our knees (from being on our knees infront of God) and we learn.

I am thankful for suffering! It brings joy to my heart because I know that my God is in control of all things and that He allows me to suffer because He loves me. But, more importantly, I may have tears and sadness because my Papaw is not on this earth anymore, but I am joyful that he is with his Father in Heaven!